On October 19, a fifth grade boy from Ohio named Jake Vahnbrook was found decapitated in a bathroom in Tuftpierre Intermediate School, in Tuftpierre, Ohio, a little bit north of our headquarters in Tabletown. Jake's head was placed in a toilet within that same bathroom. The killer, sixth grader Mason Arvalansen, was exposed after Mr. Alliorch, his prealgebra teacher, noted Mason spent an unusually long time in the bathroom earlier that day and could not stop humming the theme song for viral meme Skibidi Toilet.
For those who have been living under a rock for the past few months, Skibidi Toilet is a series of YouTube shorts featuring a war between the Skibidi Toilets, and a species of people with hardware such as cameras for heads that I think are known as "Titans". The series is being made by youtuber DaFuq!?Boom!. Skibidi Toilets are toilets with disembodied human heads inside them that can be killed by flushing the toilet, a neat self-destruct mechanism. It has made many kids lose most of their sanity, which is to be expected because kids nowadays have smoother brains than Donald Trump. The series was made on February 7, 2023, and has become really popular with today's youth, with new videos of the series consistently getting tens of millions of views.
Anyway, back to the story on hand. It is said that Mason Arvalansen asked to go to the bathroom at about 8:54 AM on October 19 during Mr. Alliorch's second period prealgebra class. Alliorch reports that Mason came back to the class at 9:16 AM, nervously sweating. Mason's classmate, fellow sixth grader Emma Carnouch saw him frantically make a Google search for "how to avoid arrest", followed by a search for "can you die as a punishment of murder if you're under 18" and asked him why he was searching that up. She claims that Mason said it was none of her business. Emma told Mr. Alliorch when class ended and he said he was very confused on why Mason was in the bathroom for so long or why he was searching that stuff up.
A few minutes later, a fourth grader who chooses not to reveal his name screamed in the bathroom upon seeing Jake Vahnbrook's corpse. Mr. Alliorch was the bathroom monitor at that time due to his absence of a third period class, so he went in to see what was wrong. He was MORTIFIED when he saw Jake's corpse, but then realized that it must have been Mason who did it because he was obsessed with Skibidi Toilet and could not stop humming the theme song, as noted earlier. Alliorch called Mason down to his classroom shortly after, and brought the principal, counselor, vice principal, therapist, and Mason's dad, who also worked at the school. The first question asked to Mason was "Did you kill fifth grader Jake Vahnbrook?"
The first question asked to Mason was "Did you kill fifth grader Jake Vahnbrook?", to which Mason replied with "Yes. Jake told me he wanted to become a Skibidi Toilet, so I fulfilled his wish. I'm glad I brought my axe to school for my extracurricular axe-throwing activity." The principal, not amused at all, sighed and said, "That doesn't seem like it is the complete truth. Your friend Emma said that you were making weird Google searches." Mason remembered that part and added that it took him a few minutes to realize that killing Jake was wrong, and so he was extremely nervous that the "popos" would come to the school and send him to death row. He added that he wishes he would die and, while he loves Skibidi Toilet more than his own parents, he realized that what he did was wrong.
Jake's family is extremely sad about his passing, and wishes that Skibidi Toilet never existed, as Jake's cousin Robert is also obsessed with that series. Jake's mom, an amateur newswriter, has described Skibidi Toilet as a "plague on kids" and I can agree. Mason's family has agreed that Skibidi Toilet is bad and has banned Mason and his siblings from watching the series, and they also plan to send Mason to juvenile detention soon. Mason has told me in person (if you recall, he lives a few miles north of our headquarters) that he does not want to go to juvenile detention, but understands it is best for him.