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October 15, 2023

Florida man finds Rito fossil, uses it to kill neighbor


WARNING: This story involves murder. Reader discretion is advised.

On October 7, Jason Marksley, a 37-year-old man from Jacksonville, Florida, found a fossil of a "Rito", a bird athropomorph originally thought to be entirely fictional. He used a digital image generator to generate what the original Rito would have looked like, and submitted the story to a news website belonging to his neighbor, the eccentric millionaire and single father Tom Wallert, who dismissed Marksley's claims as insane. Marksley, who is now awaiting trial, shared the image of what the original Rito looked like to the public on October 13.


Marksley used various scientific equipment to prove the following about the fossil: it was alive about 45 million years ago, it died around the age of 13, and it was a male specimen. He thinks that this discovery will revolutionize the science of paleontology. Wallert, even after all this proof that Marksley was not insane, still didn't think Marksley was telling the truth, and on October 14, called the local mental hospital.


When Marksley heard about the news that he, a truthful man, would be going to the mental hospital under false pretenses, he flipped out. At about 8:45 PM EDT on October 14, an enraged Marksley broke open Wallert's front door, and brutally murdered him in his sleep in true Florida man fashion. Marksley is currently awaiting trial as I speak.


The story does not end here. This morning on October 15, Marksley's friend Don Jimmely decided he was going to use the DNA from the Rito fossil to bring Ritos back to life. He thinks that there are other Rito fossils near Jacksonville, but none have been found. Jacksonvile authorities are currently trying to prevent Jimmely from doing so, as they do not like bird anthropomorphs and recently made it illegal to be a bird anthropomorph, citing that it would be dangerous for Jacksonville residents.